Vitality
by LunalitSol
Summary: When Zach and Alex take an unexpected turn into decidedly non-platonic territory right before senior year, they're left trying to navigate their evolving relationship while also juggling their individual recoveries, the complexities of their friendships with the rest of the tape crew, and the menace still lurking Liberty High School's hallways. Part 3 of my "Signs of Life" series.
1. LIKE A POLAROID

_Signs of Life_

Vitality

 **Chapter 1** : LIKE A POLAROID

* * *

 _"I breathe in, I breathe out;_

 _Count to ten and picture clouds in my mind._

 _In this game it's all the same,_

 _and talking didn't kill the pain_

 _till you arrived."_

* * *

"What is up with your head today," Zach's mom was asking when he remembered that he should at least try to listen to her instead of the echoes of Alex's voice from last night.

Zach shook himself and tried to smile in her direction without it being too bright. It must not have worked because she looked totally bemused, but at least she didn't seem too frustrated with him. That was something.

"Do you have summer homework you haven't done yet or something?" she asked, eyes narrowed and almost smirking, that look she got when she thought she'd figured something out and had one up on someone because of it.

His dad used to call it her 'gotcha' face. Zach was about ninety percent sure she wouldn't have gotten this one, but there was still a split second where the ten percent sent his brain into a paranoid tailspin.

There was nothing to give him away right? It wasn't like Alex had texted him about it. Hey, that was some makeout session. Not straight anymore huh? You want to do it again today? Yeah, right.

In reality, the brief texts they'd exchanged after he got home went something like:

 **Zach** _Had fun at urs tonight. Again tomorrow?_

 **Alex** _If ur up for it sure. Me too btw. Night._

 **Zach** _Goodnight :)_

The conversation had been thrilling enough to feature in his dreams, but it wasn't exactly so explicit that he thought his mom could know based on that. And sure there was the idea that moms just knew but that had never really been true of his before.

God, he'd made out with Alex last night. For like a solid hour after their first two kisses. What the fuck?

Just the thought of the words, of that first time when his brain felt like it would explode and he had just gone with gut instinct and their mouths had fit together for more than a minute- just the memory of the way Alex's eyes had looked right before they came together again. His skin and Alex's, the way they'd pressed into one another. Tracing over teeth and pulling at hair and just so much feeling and so much heat.

"Zachary Shan-Yung Dempsey."

Zach blinked, refocused.

"Ah, sorry mom."

She looked unimpressed.

"Uh-huh. Look. This year is your chance to start fresh, okay? You'll be a senior in a week. It would be so nice to avoid any drama, wouldn't it? Stay focused Zach. Just this year and then you'll be off to college. Keep your head down, play your games, do the work. There will be time for girls or whatever this is later, okay?"

"Right," Zach answered her, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck hard enough to redden the skin there. It wasn't worth the argument.

Yet.

He threw back the last of his smoothie and rested his hand briefly on his mom's shoulder.

"I'm focused ma, I swear. I've got to head out to practice, though. And I'm hanging with Alex again tonight, so I'll probably be back late."

She frowned at him, reaching out as if to fix his shirt or his hair, but retracted her hand back to her side at the last minute.

"Just with the Standall boy?"

"Alex," Zach told her.

He cleared his throat and simpered awkwardly, Alex's mouth and blue eyes in his head again; the way his tongue felt on Zach's; the feeling of the pulse at his throat under Zach's palm; fuck, the sound of Alex's breathing picking up in his ears like a low, pleasant buzzing.

"I don't know," he continued, trying to wrestle his voice back to normal when it came out strange, a little more low and throaty than usual. "Maybe some of the other guys will come over. We haven't totally figured out the details yet."

Her eyes were sharp on him even as she nodded acquiescence.

"Before one, alright? And call if you decide to sleep over."

Sleep over. God, that would be…

Zach bit his lip. Smiled brightly at her again.

"Got it. Bye, mom. Love you."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;

It was good to be on the field for real again, much as he could have done without a few of his teammates. Zach could keep his head in the game fine, but playing nice with another rapist wasn't going to happen; so, he was pulling a fine balancing act, missing a few of the blocks he knew he could have made just narrowly enough to look convincing, but otherwise playing his best and trying to imagine like the running back was only a nameless freshman he was obligated to defend instead of human garbage.

This morning's practice was a little lengthier than usual and by the time they'd been let out he was covered in sweat and grime, sore to satisfaction, not to mention about a thousand times more clear-headed than he'd been since his hang out with Alex the night before.

Alex. God.

Zach turned the shower on to hot, trying to focus on how the heat leached into his muscles, how the hard spray of water felt, then switched it to cold when that only led him to think of Alex again. The heat between them last night. The way sweat had beaded at Alex's temple more and more toward the end.

The cold was a step better but not much. He needed to turn off his brain.

Zach pulled out his phone while toweling off his hair, absently glancing at the time before going to his messages. He had one from Alex asking about when he was coming over that he forced himself to ignore for now, opting instead for the three unreads he had from Justin.

 **Justin** _U got practice today?_

 **Justin** _Starts this week right?_

 **Justin** _NVM saw Monty's snap. U wanna come over for lunch after nd hang? 12:30?_

That sounded perfect, so Zach shot him an affirmative before rounding up his equipment, then reopened his messages to reply to Alex with a question about when they'd finish dinner, even though he already knew the answer. His whole body was thrumming just thinking about it, feelings in his veins like a flashback, and he didn't even know where to start breaking it all down or deciphering the big picture of how this would affect things.

Anyway, how was it possible to be so hungry in so many ways all at once?

Justin greeted him at the door to the Jensen's house with a wide grin and, "Pizza gets here in twenty. Wanna help me convince Clay to game with us?" Then, a little more abashedly, "He says he's not mad at me, but he still keeps making excuses not to hang out. Right now he's catching up on reading a webcomic." The last part was said with an eye roll that Zach couldn't help but laugh at.

For the last several months, basically since Hannah's memorial service, Zach had been bothered by how differently he felt with his two best friends. He couldn't pin down why Alex and Jessica's date to the school dance had put him in such a bad mood whenever Alex wasn't looking, but her and Justin's hookups when discovered had just filled him with protective anger- and, if he was being totally honest with himself, the tiniest bit of relief. Ultimately, he'd put the relief down to having a reason for his aversion to Jess and Alex dating, what he'd assumed was some kind of gut instinct because of a weird post-traumatic reaction to Alex's suicide attempt or some shit.

That was, until Alex had paused the racing game they were playing, said, "Hey, so I like you. I just wanted to put that out there. Like, I've totally got a dumb crush on you. There's no expectations or pressure or anything, other than like… in-game because you're kind of getting your ass handed to you by offbrand Princess Peach", and hit resume on his controller like he hadn't just dropped a huge ass bomb on their night.

On everything.

Zach's car had promptly gone off a bridge and the game was lecturing him by the time he got his hands to cooperate well enough to pause again and say, "Woah, Alex, what the fuck?" His brain a jumbled damn mess.

It was pretty safe to say there was a reason behind how differently he felt about Alex and Justin, and that it probably wasn't the trauma.

Or was it? Was that a thing?

As if on cue, Justin belched and hit Zach's side with his stupid, pointy elbow.

"Don't mention Hannah or Skye, okay? Or Sherri. He's, like, really sensitive about them."

If Alex were here, he'd say something sarcastic in that off-the-cuff way he had down to an art form.

Zach just nodded like a dumbass.

"I heard that," Clay's voice called from in the room, and Justin threw Zach a panicked puppy-dog look.

As if Zach was going to help him.

Yeah, they were still best friends, but that didn't mean his desire to avenge Alex for the cheating escapades of April and May was any less potent. He shrugged at Justin and pushed the door open, nudging his friend through it before him. Right away, Clay cast a look of irritation at his adoptive brother that Zach was hard-pressed not to grin over. It was going to be a fun time.

"What do you want Justin?"

"Uh," Justin looked at him again, eyes wide and blue but with nowhere near the same persuasive power Alex's had (and he'd gotten really good at not giving in to Alex, so Justin Foley didn't even ping on his sympathy radar anymore). "Zach wanted to see if you were any good at Black Ops."

"Black Ops?" Clay repeated kind of incredulously.

"Yeah," Zach said and shrugged one shoulder. "Alex is still banned from shooting games and it's more fun with three people."

"And yet you think I want to play a shooting game? And you want to? Really?"

"It's just a game, Jensen, geez," Justin said but Zach could hear the doubt creeping in.

"Seriously, none of us here have done anything shady with a gun. It's fine," Zach told Clay. From the corner of his eye, he could see Justin doing that open stare thing he did when he was feeling guilty and tried to ignore the twinge of grim satisfaction that rose up inside him at the sight of it, instead continuing to make their case as agreed. "You're hungry, right? You'll get more pizza if you're there to fight for it."

Clay groaned at them, but he was already standing up; it wasn't like they'd put all that much effort into convincing him, so Zach figured the dude was either still pretty soft if you weren't Bryce-level evil or he actually wanted to hang out and just didn't want to admit it. Maybe both. Probably both.

"Fine, but only because leaving you two unsupervised with food, electronics, and alcohol in the house is like asking for disaster."

"Hey-" Justin started, but Zach cut him off with a hand to the chest and his most charming smile directed Jensen's way.

"You're totally right," he said. "Once Justin and I got a whole slice of pizza into the Xbox at Bryce's. Easier than you'd think actually."

"Jesus," Clay grimaced. "How high were you? Wait, don't answer that. I don't want to know. Come on."

They traipsed downstairs, Clay insisting on being the one to set the game up while Zach and Justin got together some "non-alcoholic drinks" (thanks, Clay) and plates, plus answered the door for the pizza delivery when it came. Zach finally let himself check his phone again, specifically his messages with Alex, while Clay and Justin bickered over who got what slices and the necessity of washing hands.

 **Alex** _Prob 7. U could come for dinner about 6 if u wanted though_

 **Alex** _NBD if not_

Zach frowned at the texts, considering the offer. He kind of wanted to go, and it wasn't like he hadn't had dinner with the Standalls plenty of times by now- but was it different after last night?

"Are you really going to get weird about this, Dempsey?" he remembered Alex asking when Zach responded to his confession by basically losing all capability for coherent speech, and he hated himself for a second because, yeah, that was pretty much exactly what he was doing. He had kissed Alex and told him he was into him and he was still being weird about it.

"Seriously, Justin, back off. I'm taking player one," he heard Clay say from the other end of the sofa.

Zach swallowed, shook his head as if to clear it, and sent Alex a reply affirming he was game for dinner before he could convince himself not to.

"Don't be a bitch," Justin retorted. "Noobs don't get first dibs, and you've obviously never even played this before, Jensen."

"Uh, yes, I have. Once."

"Seriously? God, you're lame."

"Guest takes player one. There, done, chill the fuck out," Zach interjected, rolling his eyes at them.

Much as he was glad to see Justin and Clay embracing their newfound sibling status by picking fights over dumb shit every time the opportunity arose, he was also tempted to just smack them both with the playstation remotes and tell them to get the fuck over themselves.

Then again, maybe he should take his own advice first seeing as he'd been going in fucking mental circles most of the day.

They were halfway through their second pizza when Clay's phone went off and he paused the game, getting up as he answered the call with, "Hey, give me one minute." Then told them it was Skye, he would be right back, and to just let his soldier die if they wanted to keep playing. Zach watched him go, lounging back in his chair and thinking.

Clay's thing with Skye was strange, and Zach was pretty sure it had been doomed from the start because 1) Clay was in love with a dead girl still, at least at the time; 2) Skye was totally unstable and needed help Clay couldn't possibly give her; and 3) he'd basically treated her like his second chance, like a Hannah 2.0.

None of that was true of him and Alex, right? Zach had maybe loved Hannah- he thought there was a good chance he had- but they'd had two months of a summer romance with nothing else to really connect them. Their friendship had fizzled with their breakup after having only been forged during that heinous, gorgeous, agonizing, cathartic, depressing-as-hell season of his life to begin with.

Alex, though?

In contrast, he and Alex had been friends since just a few months into sophomore year. There was a different kind of history between them than there had been with Hannah. Especially since the suicide attempt, Zach couldn't picture not being friends, not checking in on Alex, not worrying and caring about him regardless of what happened or didn't happen between them romantically (if that was, indeed, what they were headed towards).

And here was the bigger thing: maybe he had loved Hannah, but it hadn't been enough to beat his fear of telling his friends about her. It hadn't been enough for him to avoid fooling around with several girls after they'd gone their separate ways, hadn't prevented him basically moving on both emotionally and physically. What they'd shared hadn't even been enough for him to check in on her when she was obviously struggling. And it hadn't been enough, somehow, for him to learn; because in the story of Zach and Alex, he'd made those same mistakes: failed as a friend and person to recognize the red flags, failed to worry too much until it was maybe too late. Yeah, Hannah would always matter to him, and her memory informed a lot of his actions now, but when he thought about why he was trying to change, why he cared and checked in a lot and risked his reputation to hang out with Alex Standall, Hannah wasn't the reason; Alex was.

And, Zach reminded himself, Alex was getting help. Alex had been in therapy for months. He leaned on Zach, but he leaned on other people too, and he even tried to be there for Zach in the same way. Had Clay and Skye been like that? He honestly wasn't sure, but it hadn't looked like it.

Speaking of- Zach stood, wiping pizza grease off his hand with a crumpled napkin.

"Where you going?" Justin asked, almost absently, eyes not moving from his phone.

"Oh, bathroom," Zach retorted.

Justin looked up at him, glancing between Zach and doorway he'd been about to go through.

"Bathroom's the other way, man."

"Right. I was just gonna check on Clay first, so…"

"Your funeral. Jess says hi, by the way."

Justin was blushing when he said it, and Zach didn't know whether to make fun or say something encouraging or punch him in the damn arm.

"Yeah, well. I guess tell her I said hi too or whatever."

Justin's face started to darken, and Zach glanced behind himself anxiously.

This wasn't supposed to become a whole thing.

"Seriously? You're still being a dick about this to her? Of all people, Zach, Jess?"

"Hey," Zach snapped back, the nerves still ricocheting around his brain sending him from zero to a hundred at a faster velocity than a pitch from Jeff Atkins ever had. "I'm not being a dick, I'm just with Alex, okay? I mean, I'm on his side first. I care a lot about Jess and I get what she's going through, but she's the one who cheated."

"So fucking what?" Justin had stood as he spoke, putting his phone down roughly. "She told Alex in fucking June man. They broke up in May. It's almost September."

"Oh you're right, it's been over two months. It's all fine now."

"You aren't even involved," Justin spat at him. "It's just me, Jess, and Alex. Fuck, even Clay isn't holding it against Jess, just against me, and he's the one with the weird Boy Scout moral code or whatever."

"Of course, I'm fucking involved, Justin," Zach said, probably so loud now that he'd be interrupting Clay's phone call. He felt a little bad at the thought, but not enough to back down.

"Why?" Justin, lip curled into an ugly sneer.

"Because it wasn't just anyone you guys screwed over, asshole. It was my- Alex. It was Alex. He fucking shot himself only like nine months ago, Justin. Jesus fucking Christ."

"Jesus fucking Christ," Justin echoed back to him. "Using his suicide attempt? Low move, Dempsey. Wonder how Standall would feel about that. He's supposed to be your best friend, right? That's what you were gonna say?"

Zach just stared back at him for a long moment, the silence sitting like an anvil on his chest.

Why was he so bad at this, at standing up to and for people?

Why was he so good at being quiet even when he didn't want to be?

Why did his voice always seem to abandon him when it was most important that he speak?

He remembered Alex yelling at him, hurt in his eyes, too many times. Just last night, when Zach couldn't get the words to line up right after kissing Alex and his lack of communication made the other boy assume it was some kind of attempt at "letting him down easy". Zach remembered just sitting there while Jessica asked for reassurance that Justin was telling the truth about nothing happening to her at her party and how most of them knew it was bullshit, but he'd gone along with it anyway. The box of polaroids. Bryce and Monty and Scott making fun of Alex right next to him over and over again. All of the guys saying shit about Hannah he knew wasn't true. Pretending like Hannah was nothing to him to all his asshole buddies. Doing the same thing all over to Alex. Ignoring Justin's calls because that was easier than facing him with more bullshit and impossible with the truth. Lying even to his own mom about where he was going, what he was doing, how he was feeling.

"No," he told Justin finally, and he was kind of surprised how exhausted his voice came out. "I mean, he's one of my best friends, but not like you dude. I swear."

At least it was true.

Justin visibly deflated.

"Sorry, man. I'm still kind of on edge I guess. It's weird, right? Me in this nice ass house, no real strings, no drugs? It's weird. But look, I know you and Standall are close. I get it. I just… Jess is your friend too, and she feels really bad about how it all went down."

Zach shrugged, looking away.

"I know. It's not like I'm not talking to her.."

"Yeah," Justin said. "I know," though it didn't really sound like he did.

"I've really gotta piss still, man, so I'm gonna," Zach gestured back toward the hallway and Justin laughed, rolling his eyes.

"Geez Dempsey, go. Watch your damn aim, okay?"

"Fuck off, that was one time," Zach retorted, but he was grinning as he flipped his friend off and finally made his escape.

Clay was in his room with the door open when Zach found him, sitting in his desk chair and staring at his phone. Zach rapped his knuckles twice against the wall, and Clay spun around to face him.

"Hey. I heard you and Justin arguing, so I just came in here. I was going to head back down in a few minutes. Are you guys… okay?"

"Yeah," Zach said, casting a glance around the room before coming fully in and standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. "It was just a dumb thing about him and Jess."

"I heard."

"Oh, cool."

"Not really."

Zach shifted his weight, eyes scanning over the bedroom again.

He considered himself and Clay basically friends now, like most everyone on the tapes that were halfway decent people. Between having to band together to try and take down Bryce (and now Monty) and bonding over shared trauma or whatever, it was pretty much unavoidable. Still, the truth about him and Hannah had cast a pall over all their interactions. Every time, Zach thought they had gotten past it one of them would say something awkward or passive-aggressive and... it was like taking three steps forward, two steps back- better and worse all the time.

Briefly, he wondered if telling Clay that he and Alex had made out would make him finally get over the whole Hannah thing. But more likely it would be the opposite, wouldn't it? Clay would get protective and assume the worst in Zach and it would all go to shit again. Anyway, he still had little to no idea what any of it meant himself and wasn't about to betray Alex's trust by telling anyone else before the two of them had even talked about it; so, the point was moot.

"Did you, like, want something?"

"Uh, yeah." Zach's tongue felt like it was made out of leather. Dry and thick and choking him. "How's Skye?"

"She's good," Clay said. "Why, you want her number or something?'

"What?"

"It was a joke," Clay told him, like duh. Like God, Zach, how dumb can you be?

Zach rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, staring at a little robot sculpture thing on the desk.

"Right, yeah. So look, man, can I ask a weird question?"

"I mean, why stop now, right?"

Zach groaned.

Crap, why had he thought this was a good idea? What had he even meant to say? Just ask Clay how he knew his feelings for Skye were the real deal? Ask him if he knew their relationship was all hero complex and some desperate bid for a do-over while it was still happening? Ask him if he'd ever had the same feelings about other self-destructive people he was friends with like Jess or Tyler or fucking Alex? And if not, why?

Like maybe Clay could somehow figure out for Zach what it meant that he couldn't stop thinking about Alex and wanting to be around him and look out for him and kiss him and make him happy in as many ways as possible. Like Clay could give him some clue how to navigate this strange friends to more transition that was even more complicated by the fact that they were both dudes. Fucking dumb.

"I'm just gonna go."

"No, no. Sorry. I'm in a weird mood."

Clay rubbed a hand over his eyes and threw a poor attempt at a smile at Zach.

"Seems to be going around," Zach said quietly, more to himself than to Clay.

"Yeah," Clay agreed to Zach's surprise. He looked almost sheepish. "I think it might be school starting so soon. It's hard not to associate that place with everything that's happened."

Zach closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in. He knew exactly what Clay meant, though he'd been avoiding really thinking about it. Even on the field today, with the school looming right there. He'd been so relieved to be out on the field playing again; yet, at the same time, it was hard not to feel like all of the bad things that had happened, and all the bad things that still could, were there in his shadow, following him.

And maybe some of his own weirdness today wasn't just due to the things that had happened between him and Alex. Maybe he kept coming back to the conflict not just because he was possibly really into this guy who was one of his best friends, but also because even that was nowhere near as hard to think about as what it would mean to be in school again.

Fuck maybe. He knew it was. He was so fucking scared.

"I know what you mean," he admitted.

Clay's stiff posture relaxed slightly, and he nodded once at Zach. Like understanding. Like solidarity.

And that was all he needed. They might not always get along, but, shit, it felt good to have a few people Zach knew he could be real with. It felt good to know they'd get it when he was.

"Come on, man," Clay told him, standing from the desk and heading for the door. "Let's get back. Who knows what kind of havoc Justin has wrought in our absence?"

"Wrought," Zach repeated, laughing as he followed Clay downstairs to the living room. "Oh my God, Justin's right. We do have to get you laid."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Dinner with the Standalls roughly translated actually meant dinner with Alex and one of his parents, sometimes even with just Alex alone. As far as Zach knew, before Alex had shot himself, either his mom would cook or his dad would grill or Alex would make whatever, but it was rare they'd all eat together at the same time. Post-shooting, the ritual had changed. Pretty much everything had.

Once Alex was finally home, he basically always had to be around someone, whether it was his parents or one of his friends- Zach, Clay, Jess, Tyler, Tony, and even Courtney and Ryan had all been in the mix to make sure Alex wasn't on his own anymore. On top of that, his mom and dad had gone out of their way to rearrange their schedules so that two to three nights a week Alex and his mom and dad would all get to sit down together at the same time. Unlike other nights when any number of them were welcome over, those meals were a little more sacred, a little more personal.

So, when Mrs. Standall opened the door and Mr. Standall was visible not far behind her, standing at the side of their couch holding a beer, Zach was kind of surprised. Make that really. He was really surprised.

The deal was he'd had dinners with them plenty- but not these dinners, not the few meals Alex had with both his parents around. Zach wasn't honestly sure who had set the boundary between the two of them, just that it had somehow come into existence. They both had some motivation: family time was something Zach considered of the utmost importance, and Alex could get embarrassed and secretive about the weirdest things. Hell, it may have just been another mutual, unspoken understanding. Zach thought he and Alex had a lot of those.

There was a chance they needed to start making their understandings spoken, though, if only to ensure they were actually on the same page. Zach had been taken off guard even more than usual lately.

"Hey, Zach," Mrs. Standall greeted him warmly. "You're right on time. We were so happy to hear you could make it tonight. We made steaks, certified organic of course, and some fresh vegetables. Steak is one of your favorites, right? That's what Alex said."

She was looking at him earnestly, and Zach wondered bizarrely if this was what it felt like to meet the parents. He'd never actually had to do that before.

Oh, Christ. What if Alex had told them they were dating? Were they?

It wasn't like it would be a problem per se, but a little preparation would have been nice.

"Hey, Zach," Mr. Standall called to him. "Come on in son. You want a cold one? I'm just kidding. There's plenty of hemp milk." He winked then gestured to the TV. "Alex is hiding in his room for now but game's on if you want to watch. Hell, maybe that could get Alex to come out."

Holy shit.

"Um, yeah. Well, thanks for having me. It smells amazing in here and that game offer is pretty tempting, but I'll just go find Alex. Thanks, though. Again."

Mr. Standall nodded at him, taking a swig from his beer.

"Make sure you keep the door open."

Oh God. Was that usual? That was one of the normal rules, right? He honestly couldn't remember.

"Dinner is just about done, but take your time if you need to," Mrs. Standall added. "Today's been kind of rough on him."

Alex was sitting on his bed, headphones in, head tilted back against the headboard, eyes closed. Zach stopped in the open doorway at the sight, pulling a deep breath. His eyes traced over the angles of jaw, the lines of neck, the way Alex's t-shirt was slightly askew over the jut of his collarbone. The blanket was crumpled up towards the foot of the bed, and Zach had to force himself not to concentrate on the narrowness of Alex's body, on how he could see a little strip of skin between the hem of Alex's shirt and his sweats. He'd seen Alex shirtless so many times now that it was easy to imagine- but so not the time.

There was really no denying the attraction. It wasn't the heat of the moment. It wasn't just thinking Alex was objectively good looking or whatever. It wasn't trauma or guilt or a hero complex interfering with his sexuality. It was just Alex, and how he looked to Zach.

Zach carefully moved the door behind himself so that it was open but at a narrow angle. Alex had been negotiating the degree of closure allowed for what felt like so long now that Zach was pretty sure he could write the world's weirdest geometry problem.

He approached the bed, and sat down next to Alex gingerly. From this angle, he was clearly asleep. Zach eyed the door and snagged the earbud closest to him, holding it up to his ear for a moment and nudging Alex's shoulder with his own once. When Alex still didn't really wake up, Zach jostled him again until, finally, his eyes cracked open and promptly caught on Zach's above his.

"Holy shit," Alex hissed. "How long have you been there?"

"It's been a hundred years. The whole kingdom is different now, and I killed this huge ass purple and black dragon for you."

"Ugh, stop. May needs to quit making you watch those movies with her. You're so much less cool after."

"Normally beauty sleep is supposed to help your temper," Zach muttered. "What the hell are you listening to anyway?"

Alex rolled his eyes, moving stiffly to take the remaining headphone from his ear.

"How do you not know Joy Division by now? Whatever. You know, you weren't supposed to get here until six."

"Yeah, look at the time Standall. It's like six-fifteen."

"Fuck," Alex groaned. "I'm sorry. Therapy today was pretty brutal."

Zach's nerves shot up like they always did when Alex was having a rough time, but he shoved them back down, concentrating. All his shit could wait a little longer.

"Do you… wanna talk about it?"

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, I had a total fucking breakdown. And I'm fine now, but it wore me out. It's pathetic."

"Shit, man," Zach reached out to him without thinking, laying his palm against the skin where neck became shoulder.

Alex's eyes followed the gesture before moving back to look at Zach directly.

"I'm okay," Alex told him. "Really, I just got overwhelmed. You know, the stuff with you, and school next week, and then I got a letter this morning. I guess technically it was from yesterday but I didn't see it until today. Not that it matters."

"A letter?" Zach asked. He hesitated, but let his hand drop to Alex's, fingertips folding around the side of it.

Alex swallowed, eyes flitting to one of the band posters by the bedroom door, then down to their hands. He slowly shifted to hold Zach's hand back.

"It was from Tyler," he said after a beat.

"Oh."

Yeah, Zach didn't know where the fuck to even start with that.

Alex's head tilted back again, his eyes closing. When he spoke, his voice was raw.

"I can't stop feeling like it's my fault. I know you don't like him, and I get it. But it's like I failed another friend. He wasn't trying to guilt me or anything." His eyes opened, staring into Zach's. "He still considers us friends, so that's good. And the center he's in seems to be helping him. He just... wanted to tell his side of the story and it sent me into kind of a guilt thing. I should have done more."

"That's it?" Zach asked. "I mean, I get it. I don't know if you could have done anything but… That's all the letter was about?"

Alex pulled away from him.

"Yeah. I don't know. Maybe I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay," Zach murmured, watching him carefully.

"I'm so fucking sore," Alex muttered. "I don't want to move to go out there."

"Both your parents are here," Zach replied, and what the fuck was he even doing?

Alex's brow furrowed like he was thinking the same thing.

"Yeah, well. My mom switched her shift."

"Did you tell them about us?"

Well, he just did that. Fucking great timing, Zach.

Zach was pulled back from his thoughts by the movement of Alex's shoulder against his, the sound of his laughter.

"Zach, what?"

"Uh, well. You haven't told anyone?"

"Actually, I live-tweeted the whole thing. You didn't see?"

Zach snorted, shaking his head.

"You don't even have a twitter."

"You're right, I don't."

"Fuck you, Standall," Zach grinned at him, then sobered. "Seriously, though. You didn't…"

"No," and just like that Alex's face had closed off. Where their bodies still touched all Zach could feel was how he'd gone stiff as a board.

Alex's hands were both shaking.

"Hey, I," Zach stood from the bed, pacing to where the door was set ajar, then back to the side of the bed, and once more to the door, this time glancing outside of it.

"What's up, Dempsey?" Alex asked.

Zach wheeled around, strode across the room, and stopped halfway to Alex's side. He felt as though all the strange energy of the day had built up inside him like an adrenaline rush.

"I was only asking because we haven't actually talked about it yet, dude. I mean, I don't regret it."

Alex stared for a moment then softened. His eyes were already warming back up.

"Ok. Help me up?"

Zach crossed the room to him in three steps, automatically sliding an arm around Alex's waist to support him. Once Alex had gotten ahold of his cane, instead of letting go, Zach glanced again behind himself and back to Alex. His unoccupied hand went between them, brushing over the inside of Alex's left wrist. Alex was staring, watching Zach as if transfixed, while Zach raised the damaged hand and, on instinct, turned it over, leaning to press a kiss to the pulse point. Alex shivered, drawing a quick, sharp breath. Zach swallowed, met Alex's searing stare, and methodically slotted their fingers together.

Zach had no idea who started this kiss, both of them moving in to the other as one. It started as a hot, firm press of lips, and then Alex's mouth opened and Zach's did too, and everything was exploration. Alex let go of his cane again and leaned into Zach, and Zach let himself be moved, let his body help take Alex wherever the fuck he wanted to go; wherever it was, he knew it was where he wanted to be. His back hit the door, and it clicked closed behind him. His hands were firm on the small of Alex's back, pressing in so hard he pictured little marks forming, red indentations that might not fade completely for an hour or more.

He clutched him harder at the image of that in his brain, breath catching and coming faster than before.

Alex's good hand fisted into Zach's hair, alternating between gentle tugs and firm pulls, as if grasping hard enough or in just the right way might sate the burning between them. He kissed his way to Zach's jawline, dropping a little nip to his earlobe, then back to Zach's mouth, sounds like the beginning of moans and cuss words climbing their throats, moving between them.

Too soon, Alex pulled back, one hand groping for the side of his dresser.

Zach kept a hand still on his back. He was itching for more, itching to slide a hand onto Alex's ass and anchor them together somehow, or maybe to put his palm under that shirt, feel the living heat of Alex's flushed skin, see how far the red on his face traveled. Maybe find the marks on his back and kiss each imprint. He was breathing so fucking hard.

"Dinner," Alex said finally, and Zach stared at him.

"Like I'm a…"

"Oh God, fuck, Zach," Alex laughed, still almost breathless. His lips were swollen, everything from his hair to his clothes in the best kind of disarray. "No, like we were supposed to be having dinner with my parents."

"Oh, shit."

"Yeah," Alex retorted, looking way too self-satisfied.

It kind of only made Zach want to kiss him more.

How long had it been since he last had sex again? He hadn't realized how hard up he was until Alex fucking turned the world upside down on him.

"Should- should we… go out there?"

"Well, yeah. But, uh, I still need a minute to try and think really unsexy thoughts, not to mention look a little less like some giant just mauled me."

"Oh," Zach said. His heart was still soaring in his ears, his brain fuzzy with happiness and nerves and unending want. "Fuck, me too."

"Definitely you too," Alex told him. "Although your hair is still so perfect looking, it's stupid. I pulled on it a lot, and it looks exactly the same."

"Don't sound too disappointed," Zach teased him.

"Fuck that. Your genes suck."

"You seemed to really like my genes a minute ago," Zach pointed out. He stepped back from the door, giving himself the space to open it back to about a twenty-degree angle.

"I did. I do," Alex affirmed.

He was still flushed, good hand smoothing over his hair. Zach's eyes trailed over the scar on Alex's head, and he swallowed the urge to grab him and kiss him frantically. Maybe push dinner back another thirty minutes so he could tell Alex over and over how glad he was that he was still around. How totally fucking grateful he was for their friendship, the bad parts and the good parts alike. How Alex had become so completely important to him, it bordered on ludicrous, and Zach didn't even care because Alex was worth it for him.

He didn't know if he'd ever totally get used to seeing the scars so plainly.

"I like your genes too," Zach said. He hoped Alex could see in the darkness of his eyes all the things he kept trying and failing to say.

Alex smiled reflexively, more genuine than his usually were, and looked away from Zach.

"I don't look too obvious, do I?"

Zach honestly wasn't sure, but he didn't think so. Most of the redness had abated from Alex's face, and his hair looked, if anything, like he'd put some minimal effort into flattening bed head. Zach wouldn't have guessed they'd just made out if he hadn't been there. He kind of didn't like it.

Zach wondered if Alex felt the same way. Like, yeah, he didn't want Mr. and Mrs. Standall to figure it out (if they hadn't already- he still wasn't completely convinced), but he also wanted some kind of proof that this was all real. He wanted Alex to look at himself in the mirror, and see the evidence that he was wanted reflected, these memories they kept making as visible as the scar, as all the pain and hurt and loss that it recalled.

Zach wondered at what he might see looking at himself. If he could find all the places Alex's fingers had touched.

When they got to the dining room, Mr. and Mrs. Standall looked up, smiling pleasantly. They both looked pretty tired.

"Hey! You boys get carried away?"

"Uh, yeah," Alex said after a beat of his dad looking at him expectantly. "You could say that."

"Good. That's good. I'm glad you guys can talk to each other. You know, I never was too good at that with my buddies, not with the things that mattered. It's a new generation, I guess."

"A better one, at least with that kind of thing," Mrs. Standall added kindly.

"Yeah," Zach said, heart still beating hard as he went to sit at the table with them, Alex already slowly working to ease himself down into a chair. "Yeah, maybe."

The food was lukewarm but well-seasoned, and Zach didn't care either way. Under the table, he bumped Alex's foot with his, smiling innocently when their eyes met.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;

 **Zach** _So that was fun_

 **Alex** _Always good to kick ur ass at need4speed_

 **Alex** _Again tomorrow?_

 **Zach** _Definitely. Can't wait. Goodnight x_

 **Alex** _Night x_

* * *

 _Notes_ :

Chapter title and quote from the song "Like a Polaroid" by Vardaan Arora watch?v=tPoqaWga5wc

Current projections have this as being somewhere around 20+ chapters but we'll see what happens. Each chapter will be named for a song from my Zach/Alex playlist that I will link to here, as shown above. I am working off of canon events, and thus Monty will be in this story as an antagonistic force at the school. **There will be references to all canon triggers including the sexual assault in episode 13, but no graphic description thereof.** Please take caution and take care of yourselves. Specific triggers will be noted whenever I think the may be necessary in the end notes of a chapter, so feel free to scroll down to read the TWs if you need. I will have them bolded.

If you want to talk about Zach, Alex, and/or Zalex (or really anything 13RW), feel free to drop me a line at my hot mess of a general tumblr (lunalitsol for url). Love to you all.


	2. THESE WALLS

Signs of Life

Vitality

 **Chapter 2** : THESE WALLS

* * *

 _"I can't escape walking down these halls, hard to find a place where there are no walls_

 _and no lines begging me to cross._

 _Only straight ahead, better move along._

 _And I trade everything for this. And I trade everything for this._

 _Why do I read the writing on the wall?"_

* * *

 **Zach** _Be prepared. PT tonight will prob be rough_

 **Alex** _dirty_

 **Zach** _You're the worst_

 **Alex** _xxx_

 **Zach** _I hate you_

 **Alex** _Same dude. Same. I'm the worst._

 **Alex** _That was a joke btw_

 **Zach** _great well btw you're also the best and I couldn't hate you if I tried_

 **Zach** _Does Jess have to design a banner about how amazing and inspiring u are? Bet she would if we asked_

 **Alex** _Pls no_

 **Alex** _& don't try to btw, promise u could. Its ok tho._

 **Alex** _im sorry. Joke was lame nd Im tired._

Zach read and reread the chain of messages.

He knew better than to push further, and he really didn't want to, as badly as he felt about it.

Sometimes with Alex, it was like he was choking on his fear, on his helplessness. Like he was drowning in it. Zach wanted to do more, but he also couldn't sit in the darkness for too long; he was terrified that it might begin to feel like home.

May, his mom, and his dad's memory were Zach's home. He had to remember that. As far as Alex went? Where he fit?

He was... Zach didn't know how to finish the thought. The words wouldn't arrange themselves clearly in his head, let alone on the dryness of his tongue.

Alex was a category unto himself for Zach. Charted territory with unfamiliar terrain or maybe vice versa.

"What are you thinking about?" May asked.

"Nothing."

"That's bull," she mumbled sullenly, and his eyes snapped up to her in disbelief.

"Language!"

May's expression was a truly incredible imitation of their mom's most unimpressed look. Her _'you have got to be kidding'_ , with just a hint of _'you better be kidding'_ , was both bizarre and right at home on his kid sister's face. What was it with pre-teens and the attitude? Zach didn't remember having that much disinterest in obeying the rules or being nice to family members when he was her age.

Of course, he'd heard his mom say the same thing about him last year (and most others), so maybe that was bullshit too.

"You're such a hypocrite," May told him lightly, rolling her eyes. "Checkmate, by the way."

Zach looked over the board and groaned loudly. How had that even happened? They'd only been playing maybe thirty minutes.

"You seem really distracted."

"I guess I am," Zach confessed listlessly, slowly resetting the chess board. "I'm just not ready for summer to be over."

"Me neither," May said, pulling a face at the thought. "I wish mom would let me skip seventh grade."

"Trust me, you don't."

"Don't tell me what I want," May snarked back, and for the dumbest moment he remembered Alex shouting back probably those exact words at him back in March.

There was something horribly jarring in just the concept of a similarity between baby May and Alex. Alex who had hurt himself so badly; who was still holding more anger and sadness and awfulness inside him than Zach could stand to think about; who even now was still making little jokes and comments about how much he hated himself or thought jack shit of his own looks or personality. And May, who had once been just baby May to Zach like that was her actual name, born when he was only weeks from turning six. May, who he had watched grow, who he had always promised to look after, who he had told his dad's headstone he would protect and help any way he could with more certainty than he'd had about almost anything else in his life.

For a second, against every fiber of his being, there was the image in his mind of May with razor blades or a gun or any number of ways to hurt herself.

Zach wanted nothing more than to bring himself back to the reality with not my little sister, but since when did that make a difference in whether or not these horrific things could happen? After all, Alex was a little brother, wasn't he?

"May," Zach said, and his sister looked at him, eyebrows furrowing together at his suddenly serious, focused tone. "You know about my friend Alex, right?"

"Yeah, he's the one that was in the coma," May said slowly. "He had really weird hair. It was pretty cool, actually."

Zach laughed a little at that, but it didn't come out right.

"You're meeting him at the gym for physical therapy tonight," she added, like maybe he'd forgotten. As if he could possibly.

"Listen to me. If you ever start to feel alone or like you're suffocating or you even just feel bad all the time, anything like that, you come talk to me or to mom or you call one of my friends or you talk to Aunt Lily, okay? It's really important. And if whoever you talk to doesn't listen, all it means is you go talk to someone else. Deal? I don't," and he swallowed, throat dry, chest hurting, "I don't want you to feel ashamed or like keeping quiet makes you stronger somehow. Please."

May stared at him but nodded slowly.

"That's random, but… thanks, Zachy. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Zach murmured. He wasn't really, but it was more about making sure she was good and taken care of than anything else. As long as his family and friends were safe, he felt like he could make it.

"Can we rematch?" May asked. "I really want to see how fast I can win. We have time, right? Before Mom gets home and you start getting ready to go?"

"We definitely have time," Zach reassured her, grateful for the distraction, grateful for how easily she could still listen and then move subjects sometimes. "But don't count on that win yet."

Of course, she may as well have. By the time Mom got home, his sister had won two more matches and manipulated him into teaching her how to play the game 'bullshit' with a deck of cards.

While he was making sure his athletics duffel had everything he'd need, Zach thought again of his conversation with May and resolved to get Peter Standall's contact information. His remaining obligations for the weekend were numbered what with school picking up Monday and all- there was PT tonight, Monet's with the rest of his mismatched group of friends for the year on Saturday, maybe hanging out with a few of them after, and just church with his mom and May Sunday morning. He should be looking forward to it.

He wasn't.

Every day that brought the start of the semester closer felt like walking up to a guillotine, every slow motion step too fast for what was coming. He knew what it would look like, what he would hear, how it would feel; but Zach couldn't see the face of the executioner, couldn't smell past the stench of old blood and bodies, couldn't fight back with his hands tied. And he couldn't tell if or when it would be his neck waiting.

Zach wasn't sure what was worse- the sense of all the things that could go wrong breathing down his own neck or his friends'. And sure, they were the uprising as much as they were the doomed incarcerated, but it was his experience, especially today, that those usually became the same thing, anyway.

It made no sense that, in the midst of all this, he just kept wanting to hold Alex and have Alex hold him- yet there it was just the same, jumping out at him every chance it could.

If it were Alex bringing down the blade on him, he had to wonder if he could have moved from it.

He thought so.

He wasn't sure.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;

The first fight of the first day back started before the first bell. As if that wasn't bad enough, it just so happened to be between Liberty's resident jock rapist- Monty- and its resident "emo cripple"- Alex, A.K.A. Zach's kind-of best friend with benefits and kind-of unofficial boyfriend.

Not to mention, Alex had been declared his undisputed, absolute responsibility in the buddy system their group of friends had developed on Saturday around an assortment of Monet's coffees and confections.

Now, within less than ten minutes of getting to the school, this. Go Tigers. Go figure.

Fuck.

Zach had literally been turning the corner to find Alex after what he thought was a minor miscommunication about how the buddy system worked with bathroom breaks when he heard Alex cussing, loud and angry. He spotted him just in time to see Monty's hands on Alex's shoulders shoving him against the lockers.

The fuckhead's mouth was in a sneer, but as Zach had approached he'd seen through rapidly tunneling vision how Monty's lips were turned up, how undisguised his excitement for the conflict was. He barely caught how Alex leaned back into the wall for support as he swept his cane at Monty's feet, timed just right to catch his ankle mid-step. They both tumbled down and, quick as a fucking snake, Monty was on top of Alex in the middle of a circle like it was a year ago all over, but with Alex even less able to defend himself.

Just like that, Zach didn't even give a fuck about all the jostling bodies in front of him. He was a goddamn battering ram when he wanted to be.

He shoved forward until he was in the circle, hauling Monty off Alex and slamming his head back against the locker Alex had hit only moments before, pinning him there.

"Get off me, Dempsey," Montgomery snarled. "I'm your fucking teammate. We can get another retard to suck your cock. Chill."

The only thing stopping him from kicking the ever living crap out of Monty was the fact that he hadn't checked on Alex yet and needed to verify he was okay, help him up, yell at him for his ridiculous lack of self control. Also, hug him, go completely off on him for this stunt, make out with him...

"You do not fucking touch him," Zach growled at Monty. "You don't talk about him. Don't even look at him. Off the field, you're not my teammate, you're just trash. You hurt him in any way, I will break your arm all over again. Hell, you touch anyone, I will come for you."

Monty smirked, shook his head.

"Don't try me, Dempsey. You have no idea…"

"No. You have no idea," Zach shot back, his arm going over Monty's throat. "I know what sick shit you can get up to, but you don't know how far I can go." He made a point of looking down at Monty, using all his size to posture up and make himself very fucking clear.

"Zach," he heard Alex say and just like that he was letting Monty go, dropping him even though he hadn't even realized he had Monty off the ground in the first place.

Alex took his hand, let Zach pull him up.

"Alex, what the hell were you thinking?" Jess hissed and Zach blinked stupidly over Alex's shoulder at her, for the first time realizing the rest of their makeshift group had joined them.

He had no idea when that had happened.

"Alex, what the fuck was that?" Zach asked.

He realized belatedly he was still holding Alex by the arm and let go, stepping back. Ryan had gotten Alex's cane off the floor and handed it to him, Courtney holding his backpack out for Zach to take.

"Fucking stupid, that's what it was," Tony said, the words somehow managing to sound more worried than hostile.

"Nah, it was smart. I knew Zach was on his way and he'd fuck Montgomery up. Totally worth it."

"Hold the fuck up," Zach snarled, looking from where Monty was now screwing around with a few of the other jocks down the hall back to Alex. "You did that on purpose?"

"Even dirtbags like Monty try to save their own skin," Alex said with a kind of half-shrug, immediately followed by a wince. "Had to do something so he knew you could break him in half if you wanted and didn't try to pull any more shit."

"You didn't have to do that," Zach snapped, scanning over Alex anxiously.

There were murmurs of agreement in the cluster of their friends. Justin reached out to prod at Alex's shoulder from his side, and Zach didn't miss how Alex gritted his teeth in response to the touch.

"Alex, we came up with a buddy system for a reason," Clay said. "No-one goes alone. You can't break from the plan before it even has a chance to work." He looked like he was trying very hard to keep his voice light and controlled. Zach had to wonder if maybe he was being too harsh, if he needed to force himself to back down like Clay was.

Except, no, because the reckless shit was not cool. They'd been down this road before. It ended nowhere good.

Now, Zach was fucking seconds from losing it already, and the day had only just started. Alex thought he was somehow making sure Monty knew they would fuck him up as if Monty cared. It was an assumption he'd made before, and Zach could still vividly remember pulling up to a fence in the middle of nowhere to find Alex sitting in the goddamn dirt, shamefaced and staring at the water like he wanted to throw himself into it. Bryce had cared about things like image and saving his own ass, keeping his name clean; it was his one rule to being in with him. Monty, however, had never really had that problem.

"He was talking crap about Tyler to his fuckin' buddies," Alex snapped, looking around at them. "If he can do that…"

"Tyler's not here, Alex. You basically just put a target on your back for no reason, you realize that right?" Jessica looked completely furious, and, for a moment, Zach couldn't even remember that he hadn't forgiven her for hurting Alex yet. It was so good to know he wasn't alone in his growing rage, even if somewhere beneath it he understood Alex's point of view.

"I already had a target on my back," Alex retorted. His whole body was taut and shaking. "I'd rather start shit and make sure he knows what's up than wait for him to try something."

"Someone remind me why boys are like this," Ryan said, directing the words more to his fingernails than to any of them.

"Guys, come on," Sheri spoke up. "Class is starting soon, and it's not worth it. It's done now, right?"

"I don't think that's how it works," Clay said sardonically.

"Guys," Jess interjected just as Sheri and Alex both started snapping back at him, "Singh. Two o'clock."

Everyone fell quiet as the guidance counselor approached.

"Everything okay?" she asked, pausing to survey them. Her eyes were penetrating and dark and Zach instantly felt guilty under them, though he had no idea what for.

"We're fine," Alex told her, looking around at them quickly. Zach had to really fight down the urge to laugh at how untrue that was. "My cane just slipped on something. It's really a shame my friends were so helpful instead of recording it for me. Probably would have made a great meme.

Justin snickered and Zach planted an elbow between his ribs with what he hoped was some subtlety.

"It's true," Ryan said. "I even have the perfect caption in mind to start it off, but alas…"

Ms. Singh crossed her arms over her chest, looking them over, then nodded.

"I don't believe you, but you all seem fine, so I won't push it today. If any of you wants to talk, you know where to find me. Alex Standall?"

Alex nodded at her.

"Yes ma'am."

"I was hoping to speak to you, actually. If you'll come with me, I'll give you a late pass for your first period."

"Um, I'll come too," Zach said immediately.

"That won't be necessary, Zach."

"I'm supposed to help him between classes," Zach said immediately. "His doctors had talked to the school and I'm like an aid-"

"I'm aware," Ms. Singh informed him smoothly. "I'll have someone escort him when we're done. I believe you have the same class, and it would be much more beneficial for Alex and yourself if you were there."

Zach swallowed hard, looking frantically at his friends, but they all seemed about as stumped as he was.

"I'll be escorted, Zach," Alex spoke up. "It's fine. Seriously."

There was a gentle undertone to the words, and Zach was instantly less mad at him than he'd been a minute before. Which was just so completely unfair.

He met Alex's eyes, searching the blue of them, though for what he didn't know.

"Okay," Zach said finally. "I'll see you in class then."

"I've gotta head," Courtney said instantly, like a spell had broken. "See you, Alex. Clay. Ryan, come on."

A chorus of similar words, and Zach attached himself to Clay and Justin, knowing the class they shared was just kitty-corner from his own.

"Day one,"Clay said after the first bell had resounded through the speaker systems into the packed hallway. "Off to a great start."

"Shitty," Justin said. "I think shitty's the word you were looking for."

"Yeah, thanks Justin. Totally didn't know that."

Zach shook his head at them, a bubble of laughter behind his lips. Was every fucking high school like this?

In class, he busied himself with doodling shit on the paper with the class rules and expectations while the teacher droned, going over everything they had in front of them line by line. At about the halfway point of their class time, the teacher finally stopped and Zach made himself listen while she explained they'd be taking turns to say their names, something cool they'd done that summer, and where they were applying to go to college or get a job after graduation. The usual introductory bullshit they were put through, even though a solid ninety percent of kids in their class already knew each other well enough. Many of them more than.

It was almost his turn and almost the end of class when Alex showed up, the secretary at his side. He was visibly no worse for the wear, but Zach's stomach still did a flip at the sight of him. He stood automatically moving part of the way to the front of the classroom to help Alex, but had no sooner taken hold of his arm than he was suddenly hyper-aware of the stares from all their peers and the teacher. He dropped his hands from Alex like he'd been burned, heart picking up speed.

He noticed Alex give him a look of irritation, a hot wave of shame curling up in his chest at the sight of it. What was he doing? He helped Alex all the time.

Just usually not when class was in progress and everyone was right there acting like they were now. Like he was creating some spectacle. He wasn't good at that kind of thing. The only putting on of a show Zach knew how to do was in the game, and even then he personally preferred real skill over theatrics. He wanted his abilities and actions to speak for themselves. He felt self-consciousness spike up, but wrestled it back, glancing at Alex again as they neared the chair Zach had been in and the one next to it he'd thrown Alex's backpack onto earlier.

His teeth were gritted slightly and he looked as though he were preparing himself for an ordeal of some kind. Like he thought Zach was just going to hang back and watch him try to maneuver everything, Zach realized.

The shame grew.

"I got it," Zach told him, grabbing the backpack from the chair and slinging it over one shoulder before pulling the chair out a little more. He rested a hand on Alex's back, bracing him as he sat down.

"Thanks," Alex muttered.

"What else are aids for, right?" he asked in return, maybe a little louder than he would normally. "I'm a glorified prop for my friend here," he added to the teacher, throwing her what he hoped was a charming smile.

He took his own seat, glancing at Alex. His face was dark and tense and it made Zach feel like all his guts were on fire.

"Right," the teacher said. "Well, let's get back to our intro game, okay?"

Denise Zapata started speaking, and Zach took the opportunity to look again at Alex, but he was staring at the desk and the teacher and Denise and basically everywhere but back at Zach. Fuck.

Zach pulled a piece of loose-leaf from the back of his notebook, barely noticing when the dude on his right, Eric or Elron or Aaron or something, started his intro. _'I'm sorry ,'_ he scratched into the paper. Then, _'We both screwed up, right? Call it even?'_ and passed it to Alex. He watched from the corner of his eye as Alex read it, stared at it, and then proceeded to give Zach a narrow side-eye that could have just as easily been on a meme as the bullshit story Alex had told before.

Like he was thinking, _You can't possibly be that stupid, Dempsey_. Like _Fuck off Zach. What is the matter with you?_ Same, dude, Zach wanted to tell him, a dumb echo of Alex's shitty joke a few nights before.

Someone cleared their throat and bumped into his shoulder. A-rod or what the fuck ever.

"Your turn, man," the guy said.

Zach swallowed. What was he supposed to say? Oh, fuck, right. Name, summer thing, where he was applying or what he was going into. Some shit like that.

"I'm Zach Dempsey," he told the room full of recognizable faces, all saying clearly _tell us something we don't know_. "Uh, this summer I think my favorite part was volunteering to help with PT. I really liked helping my friend, Alex, so I got to assist a few licensed physical therapists and it was really cool and rewarding. Some of the strongest people I've ever met," he elbowed Alex, "As for where I'm applying, I'm actually talking to a few scouts for baseball and basketball, so I guess it depends what offers I get for scholarships. I need a good program for marine biology. I don't want to jinx it by naming names."

The teacher immediately fell over herself reassuring him and praising his talk about volunteering, then turned to Alex, laying out what he was meant to say with an overly-gentle voice Zach immediately hated on Alex's behalf.

"Alex Standall," Alex said. "Zach and a few other friends drove me to a concert for one of my favorite bands as a late birthday thing, so that was pretty cool. And I'm not really planning to go to college or whatever so I don't know. I don't really have plans."

Zach shot him a look, which Alex met this time. His eyes were challenging. Zach could see his hand twitching in his lap like he was fighting a spasm.

Between the fight and now this, Zach was getting damn close to taking Alex and dragging him out of school. Maybe spending nights at his place staring him down until he stopped lashing out in ways that made Zach want to have a panic attack for the first time in his life.

The teacher cleared her throat, her smile tight and fake, thanked Alex, and prompted the next person to start.

Zach was out of his chair at almost the exact second the bell rang, taking both his and Alex's backpacks up and offering his hand to the other boy. Alex took it just as quickly, and when he thanked Zach the sentiment was a little more genuine than before. Some of the weight in Zach's chest eased up at the sound of it, but only some.

"You have econ with Jess next?" he asked, more to make sure Alex was still talking to him than anything else.

"Yeah," Alex affirmed. "And we trade off so you and Sheri walk to your history class or whatever together."

"And then I get you and Sheri and Jess walk to gym together, where Clay and Justin will be waiting, and Clay and Jess head to their class… Did it have to be this confusing?"

"Probably," Alex said, almost smiling at him.

Zach wanted to get all the way to a full smile before they parted ways, but also wanted to make it clear they had to talk at some point. Maybe. Probably. Even though he'd really rather not and Alex seemed fine now…

Zach rubbed the back of his neck a couple times and forced himself to focus.

"Are you going to be able to do the PT tonight?" he asked finally, trying to make the question seem casual.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I?"

"Well, the thing with Monty. Your shoulder seems kind of stiff and like it's harder for you to move that side."

"I think I got bruised up a little maybe," Alex admitted. "But it should be fine. You might just have to take it easy on me tonight."

The words sent a jolt down Zach's spine, images of ways he could take it easy on Alex popping up in his mind's eye, despite the fact that the context was totally innocent.

"I could give you a massage," he said before his brain could catch up with his mouth.

Next to him, Alex had colored and slowed a little. Zach immediately reached for him, but Alex moved back slightly, clearing his throat and darting a glance around them and then at Zach.

"Would that be okay?" Zach asked, lowering his voice just a little.

What Alex was thinking he couldn't tell, but he swallowed hard and Zach's eyes followed the movement of his throat before he remembered himself and looked away. He could already feel his blood heating up and starting to pool low in his body, a bad fucking idea in the middle of a school hallway.

What he would do if it were just them. If this place were empty.

But it wasn't. He couldn't afford to forget that.

"Uh yeah," Alex's voice pulled him from his thoughts. It was a little tentative, a little hoarse and husky. "That might be okay." Zach wondered if Alex had been thinking what he was, happiness mingling with the arousal already surging through his bloodstream.

"Cool," Zach told him. "So, uh…"

"We interrupting something?" Sheri asked, smiling as she approached them. "We can go get some water. Give you guys some more time."

"That's not necessary," Zach retorted at the same time as Alex said, "Yeah, actually that'd be great."

Jess laughed at them, her smile gently mocking.

"Uh-oh, trouble in bromance paradise? Clearly, you guys aren't on the same page."

"I don't think we asked you, Jess," Alex replied evenly.

And just like that, it was tense and awkward again. Zach was really over it.

"We should head," Sheri said, nodding at him.

"Alright, uh. I'll meet you after? Or we will. Outside Herrera's class?"

Alex nodded. His eyes were totally soft when Zach let himself briefly meet them.

"Cool. So! Sheri, what lame introductory game did Stratford put you through?"

"Oh my God, don't even get me started," she said, rolling her eyes before telling him anyway.

He imagined Alex's eyes on him all the way down the hall. The end of the day couldn't come fast enough.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;

"We need to hone the system," Clay said in the place of a greeting.

"Hi to you too," Zach replied pointedly. He chucked a fry at Clay, who simply sat down across from him undeterred.

"Hi. We need to hone the system."

"Jesus fucking Christ, would you give it a rest?"

Justin shook his head at Zach, undermined by the fact that he looked much more entertained than he did annoyed.

"We need to hone the frickin' system," Tony said, dropping down into the unoccupied space to Clay's right.

"Thank you!"

Clay's voice was clearly exasperated even though it wasn't like they'd said no or fucking anything yet. On Clay's other side, Alex was staring down at his food and looking thoroughly disgusted.

"Hey, if it isn't the tapes gang! Crew? Task force? What do you call yourselves?"

Cyrus and a bunch of the other punk kids were suddenly around them, making themselves at home at their table.

"Hannah's baby-back bitches," Monty's voice said from behind Zach, and he clenched his hand around one of the unopened juices in front of him hard enough to pop the fucker open, spilling suddenly everywhere.

"You want a repeat of earlier, Montgomery?" Zach heard Alex challenge.

"A repeat of me almost getting to kick your fuckin' ass? How about the extended version?"

"What the fuck did I tell you earlier, Monty?"

Zach stood roughly, but Monty had both hands up in a mocking display of surrender and had taken a few steps away from their table. He was grinning, eyes moving over them.

"I guess freaks band together, but even you Zachy? We're your team. Since when don't you sit with us?"

"He got an offer for some better company."

"Alex," Zach said, practically growling.

"Oh, I see. You got yourself a bitch, and figured fuck the rest of us."

"Bet he has Hannah's picture on a bag so he can put it over Standall's face when he fucks him," Jamie told Monty, since apparently all his old friends other than Alex and Justin were pretty much shitbags.

"What the fuck did you just say?"

"Sheri."

Monty looked her up and down appreciatively, and Zach was really fucking tempted to put his head through their lunch table.

"You and your friends need to move along."

"Is that right? Hey, tell me something, you learn how to suck a good cock from the guards at that prison you went to?"

"No, no." Sheri moved toward him, something of her old sashay on her hips, lips and eyes promising something dangerous. "Did learn how to make a good shank though. And how to make little boys back their entitled asses up."

She handed Zach her lunch tray, turned, kneed Monty in the crotch, and then sat down next to Zach and took back her food. Jamie and Trevor helped Monty up, the three of them casting irritated looks over their group.

"Bitch," Zach heard Monty swear as they walked away.

"That was fucking amazing," Jess told Sheri, who smiled and agreed with her, wasting no time in claiming her newfound badassery.

"Don't get me wrong, Sheri, that was awesome. But we're running out of time, and we still need to amend our buddy system."

"Clay," what was probably five different voices said at once, varying in tone from reproving to fond to humored though Zach didn't have the energy to even separate who was who.

Zach tuned them out, distractedly wiping a few napkins over the little juice he'd missed cleaning up. After about a minute, his text alert went off, and he flipped over his phone on the table to unlock it and check the message.

 **Alex** _Are you okay?_

Zach frowned down at the screen and almost immediately saw Alex hunch down and start another text.

 **Alex** _Is it about Monty?_

Zach shook his head, then typed the letters _'idk'_ and hit send. Alex went to start typing again and Zach flipped his phone back over. Alex looked at him, went to keep typing, then stopped and looked back up as Zach's phone pinged. Instead of picking it up, he slid the intact orange juice he'd brought for Alex across the table, then took a massive bite of his salad. No more texts came in.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;

"So are we going to talk about how today went?"

They were in the pool. Just the two of them, darkness all around other than a few spotlights. Zach kind of loved when they did the PT at night and no-one was even in the next lanes. Technically the pool was closed except for special cases this late.

His special case was on the water bike but had stopped trying to move for now, breath only just slowing to something like normal. As Zach had anticipated, he was wearing out faster- the toll of a couple nasty bruises around the joint of his right shoulder and a spattering of them on the left side of his back. Nothing too dramatic to Zach's relief, but definitely enough that they were seeing an impact on Alex's grip strength and endurance. Enough that Zach had spent the last twenty minutes doing everything in his power not to snap at Alex over shit that wasn't his fault. The sight of Alex hurt had brought back all his rage.

"We don't have to," he told Alex.

"Bullshit, Zach. You're acting weird. Like you're mad but trying not to be. Or trying to hide it. You freak the fuck out on me if I try to pull that crap, and it's a two way street."

"Yeah, well, I'm not the one who…" he trailed off.

Zach could never seem to get those words on his tongue without feeling sick for hours after.

"Who shot himself, yeah, no shit," Alex snapped. "We are supposed to be friends at least though."

Zach stared at the water between them, how it gently swayed and reflected light, how in spots it absorbed darkness.

"I'm mad at you," he said, and he didn't mean to say the words, didn't even know if he meant them at all. Mostly, if he were being really honest, he was scared. School had gone about as bad as he'd expected, actually worse if he thought about it. But he didn't want to think about it.

"It's not like I'm over here singing your praises, Dempsey."

Zach blew out a breath, as measured as he could make it.

"You can't keep antagonizing Monty, Alex."

"Antagonizing," Alex said in a scoff. "He's a fuckin' antagonist. I'm not going to just roll over and let him do and say whatever the fuck he wants. We got rid of Bryce. That was part of the point."

"You have to," Zach said back. "I get it when it's from the TBI but today was thought out."

Alex was quiet for a long moment, then: "What if it were me?"

"What?"

"What if it were me? What if Monty had done what he did to me, and you had to see him in the hallways and he was joking about it? What would you do?"

"I'd kill him."

Zach didn't even have to think. When it came to the people he cared about, there were a few that he would do anything in his power to protect. Somehow, in the last year Alex had become one of them, but Zach had known that for a while. It was part of why he was so worried. He could destroy himself so easily if Alex were hurt.

"Exactly," Alex said. "But I'm obviously not any good at killing."

Zach shook his head, closed his eyes, tried to will away the images in his brain.

"You're different," he told Alex.

His voice was firm, brokering no argument, but that had rarely stopped Alex.

"How? Tyler's my friend. I'm yours."

"You're more and you know it."

Alex was quiet for a long time then finally sighed.

"Okay. What about a year ago?"

"A year ago?" Zach repeated dumbly.

He fully expected Alex to give him one of his _you're exhausting sometimes_ looks, but instead he was just staring down at his hands under the water, elbows propped against the sides of the handlebars.

"Last year we were friends right?"

Alex looked at him when he didn't say anything, so Zach nodded, dread and shame churning through his neck muscles.

"But we weren't really close," Alex continued. "We were good enough friends to hang out and know likes and dislikes and whatever, but you didn't even know what my parents did for work or anything about my music taste other than you and the guys all agreed it was weird."

"Alex, what's your point?"

"Tyler and I were as close or closer than you and I a year ago," Alex said, looking sideways at Zach. "Back then if Monty raped me with a fucking mop handle and left me to bleed internally and joked about it later and you heard, would you seriously have done nothing?"

Zach's jaw was so tight it felt locked up.

"No. I'd… I'd still have killed him or close. But, Alex, I'm not-"

"Don't," Alex interrupted, voice like steel. "It doesn't matter."

No, Zach guessed. It didn't. It wouldn't have to him, and Alex had always been more bold, more willing to throw himself at things without doing the calculations of his own survival rate. Before he'd met Alex and known that of him, before he'd seen what the tendency could do, he'd never known he could admire and hate something so much at the same time.

"We still can't have you putting yourself in danger every time Monty can't keep his mouth shut," Zach said finally. "There's got to be another way."

"Yeah, well, until you know what it is…"

"You still watch yourself with Monty. If he's saying that shit, I can make him sorry. I meant what I said to him today. I don't give a fuck if he's my teammate. I can find a way to kick his ass. Even with the help of his steroids, I'm bigger and stronger. This is the kind of shit you can come to me for help with."

"Okay, I'll try," Alex said, looking over at Zach. "We'll try that. I might fuck up."

"Just keep coming to me," Zach replied, reaching out a hand to rest on Alex's arm.

He let his thumb swipe over the skin, smooth down droplets of water.

"And keep pedaling. We're on another fifteen."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;

 **Zach** _Hey so we forgot something kind of important_

 **Alex** _?_

 **Zach** _well_

 **Zach** _You needed a massage to loosen up some of the muscles right?_

 **Alex** _Needed? Idk. It would probably help._

 **Zach** _I meant that I offered and would like to do it._

 **Alex** _True. Sounds nice. Let me know if there's something I can do._

 **Alex** _Kind of pay u back, u know..._

 **Zach** _You don't have to pay me back. I want you to feel good._

 **Alex** _Yeah and I want to make you feel good too_

 **Alex** _Don't make me put a wink face Dempsey_

 **Alex** _it's fine if u don't want anything back tho_

Oh.

Zach's brain screeched to a halt, his lips and mouth suddenly dry.

Oh.

He remembered suddenly when he'd been walking with Alex earlier, electricity in the air around them, pictures of what it would be like if it was just them in the school and he could just take Alex by the hand and wrist, hold onto him, push him against a wall like Alex had pushed Zach into his door a week ago, searing themselves into his mind. Like the memory coming back for him, heat started to pool in his stomach and pelvis.

Zach sucked his lower lip in between his teeth. It was ten at night which meant his mom and May were both asleep, and fuck he'd been so stressed lately. Today had built tension into all his muscles that even football practice and PT hadn't been able to help him work through.

He cast a glance at where his laptop sat open on his desk then to his phone and his hand. His texts with Alex were still up on the screen, and, instinctively, he reread them, moving to lay down on his bed.

He still hadn't really jacked off to the idea of a guy before. Sometimes they popped into his mind during, especially Alex, sometimes just actors like the guy who played Hook in the ridiculous live action Disney show his mom and sister liked or the dudes that were dating in that _Shadowhunters_ show May insisted he watch with her, but for a long time he'd savagely shoved the thoughts away into the recesses of his brain, forced himself to refocus on shapely curves and tumbles of hair, of how it had felt with Hannah, of messing around with Allison, of his fling with Lucy at one of Bryce's parties.

All he could think of right now was Alex.

And with what they were talking about and doing every time they were alone for more than ten minutes, screw it.

Zach licked his lips and typed a response to Alex.

 **Zach** _Definitely want to. Friday? Could stay late_

That way they could start with PT and go back to Alex's after. He'd have Alex sit on his bed with his shirt off, Zach kneeling behind him at first, squeezing lotion into his hands. Alex would tell him all the places he was most sore and Zach would rub over them, knead into the knots of muscle until they were soothed away, until Alex was letting out breathy sighs, biting his lip, his skin shiny and increasingly flushed. Somewhere along the line, the heat would grow and Zach would lean in, kiss Alex's shoulder, put his lips to his ear, gently pull him to lay against Zach's body, reclining into the space between Zach's open legs. His dick would be pressed against the small of Alex's back, his hands freely wandering over his sides, the planes of his chest and stomach. Brushing down over the jut of his hip bones, the dip of his pelvis. Maybe lower…

Zach was cleaning himself up, images still throbbing beneath his temples, aching want in his bones, when his phone pinged with a new message. Alex.

 **Alex** _Could maybe spend the night if u wanted. Game, watch junk TV, relieve some tension idk_

The first game of the season wasn't until the we _Notes_ :

Chapter title and quote from the song "Like a Polaroid" by Vardaan Arora watch?v=tPoqaWga5wc

Current projections have this as being somewhere around 20+ chapters but we'll see what happens. Each chapter will be named for a song from my Zach/Alex playlist that I will link to here, as shown above. I am working off of canon events, and thus Monty will be in this story as an antagonistic force at the school. There will be references to all canon triggers including the sexual assault in episode 13, but no graphic description thereof. Please take caution and take care of yourselves.

If you want to talk about Zach, Alex, and/or Zalex (or really anything 13RW), feel free to drop me a line at my hot mess of a general tumblr (lunalitsol for url). Love to you after, so Zach had no obligations his mom could bring up when he asked. First week of school there was never much homework. He already knew that May didn't need watched.

 **Zach** _Sounds perfect. Shouldn't you be sleeping Standall?_

Zach was laying down, frowning at his phone when it finally went off again fifteen minutes later.

 **Alex** _Too hard to fall asleep. Jacked off again. Much easier now. Goodnight._

Zach stared at the words in disbelief for about thirty seconds before he dissolved into laughter so hard he had to muffle it against his pillow. Well, if that was how things were going to be.

 **Zach** _Same dude. We'll probably sleep much better Friday._

 **Alex** _Or not sleep at all._

 **Zach** _I'm good either way. Goodnight x_

This time Alex didn't reply. Zach was still smiling when he fell asleep.

* * *

 _Notes_ :

 **Chapter TWs include use of "R" slur; generally ableist, sexist, and homophobic language in the context of bullying; mild violence; and, finally, a semi explicit verbal description of Tyler's assault.**

Chapter title and quote from the song "These Walls" by Trapt. You can listen to the acoustic version on Spotify. Questions/Comments/Concerns/Desire to rant about fandom stuff? Drop it here or in the ask box of my general tumblr, lunalitsol.


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